“Eets all over tha front page, yuuu give me rrrrroad rage”.

It’s hard to type a welsh accent and the above example is quite, quite poor. I should have added the word boyo at the end.
My car attracts a lot of trouble on the road. Mainly I think due to the fact that it looks like a bog-standard Citroen Saxo to anyone who doesn’t recognise these sort of things. Yet it isn’t, it accelerates faster than your standard BMW. I think that’s one of the reasons they don’t like me, I’m constantly getting trouble off them. The other main reason of course is that most drivers of BMWs are total twats.
I come across a lot of drivers who put their foot to the floor whilst I overtake them quite normally, probably to try and scare me off. Some kids stuffed in “daddies” Volvo tried it over Christmas…didn’t work sadly, you little cocks.
I don’t get it really, I drive quickly but I never intimidate people on the road. It seems to be getting worse as well, in the last eleven years of driving, manners on the road have deteriorated considerably. People seem to be obsessed in getting the next car ahead on the road.
This was demonstrated perfectly this morning, when I wasn’t even driving my car. I’ve been in Marie’s chuggabus the last few days as my car needs a new radiator. This car also seems to attract a lot of trouble and I had two such incidents this morning.
I was driving down Blackpool road overtaking a slow moving car. Behind me a sporty –and shit looking- Fiat Punto was driving up my arse, waiting for me to move over. When I’d passed the car he cut in violently to undertake me, yet the daft twat hadn’t spotted another slow moving car in that lane. So he was stuck and had to wait till I got past it before he could pull out again. This led to him waving at me with his fist and mouthing expletives. I pulled in after I’d overtaken this second car, the twat overtook me and gave me some more abuse and hand gestures. I just laughed and pulled stupid faces, hoping to enrage him even more.
Anyway, as I pulled into the work car park, who should walk past me but the driver of the Punto. We glared at each other, as I walked in I started to catch him up and he kept glancing over his shoulder. I was waiting for him to say something and I could tell he was considering it. Hee hee, I felt disappointed when he didn’t say anything, I had several foul-mouthed insults prepared in my head.
It’s okay because I now know where he works…and also where his car is parked.
The second incident involved a BMW. So deserves to die.
We were approaching a roundabout and I was in the correct lane. It’s quite slow moving so Mr. BMW behind me got impatient, pulled into the wrong lane and jumped about ten cars ahead in the queue by cutting into the right lane at the last moment without signalling. Now I see this every day at this roundabout, it annoys me, oh yeah it annoys me, but today especially as the BMW honked his horn and waved his fist in a dismissive way at me as he passed.
What the fuck did he want? Did he want me to move out of the correct lane as he was a fucking VIP in his shiny red shit machine? If you’re in an old car do you have to give precedence to someone driving a car which screams out “I AM A TINY-COCKED TWAT WHO THINKS THIS CAR MAKES UP FOR THE FACT THAT I HAVE A CHROMOSONAL IMBALANCE WHICH MAKES ME MOLEST OLD MEN IN THE PARK. RESPECT ME! RESPECT MY SHINY RED SPOILER!”
Hee hee, I didn’t get it anyway. I think when people get in their cars, they often leave behind the reason and logic parts of the brain.
Well…
I had to go back to the doctors yesterday. Boo!
He phoned on Tuesday, telling me to make an appointment. Apparently the urine sample I had to give last week when I was ill has shown up a non-related pathogen. They don’t know what it is yet, I had to give a second sample yesterday.
It could have been contaminated, if not, I’ll have to see a urologist who’ll check out my bladder and kidneys. I actually surprised myself by pressing the doctor for details about what it may be. He said it could be a bladder of kidney infection, or could be down to one of my kidneys not working properly.
I suspect that it’s bugger all….which for a hypochondriac is a hard thing to say.
I have no symptoms, I have no pain, no fever anymore and don’t feel sick. My strength returns, yet last week when I gave the first sample I was horrendously de-hydrated and filled with fever. I also didn’t follow recommended guidelines for producing a sample.
I’ll find out next week anyway. It is fairly depressing and I’m getting bored in worrying about myself.
Hee, he seems quite a perceptive doctor. He constantly senses that I’m a worrier, and tells me to stop imagining the worst case scenario in my head. I don’t think he understand though, that my worst case scenario is generally worse than the average persons. I think I’ve only ever met my mum who can think of more horrendous possibilities for a situation than me. She has taught me well…

I like my new car stereo. The DAB is cool, last night on the way home I got to listen to XFM. Lauren Laverne was on playing Indie-Bingo. How good is that? I also got to hear a triple-bill of quality indie, they spoilt it by playing Hundred Reasons at the end but I’ll let them off…..this time.
I’ve made a compilation CD as well which I listened to on the way into work this morning. Bar the annoyingness of hearing a one second sample at the start of each song – I think my CD writer is a bit shit - I spent the rather longer than normal journey into work screaming and spazzing along to Fighting Fit by Gene and Lazy Line Painter Jane. There There caused mental vibrations through the steering column though, it’ll probably snap off later on. I look forward to my trip into town at lunch, I enjoy driving around singing really loudly and flopping my hair about. Other motorists probably think I’m having a fit.
Speaking of my hair, it’s getting really long now. I like it, if flops about again. I missed my floppy hair. It does need a trim though, it’s getting thick again and needs shortening at the back. Even though the hairdresser dude seemed overly keen on giving me big-hair I’ll probably go back to them again. I’ll keep trusting them until they make me cry with a horrendous haircut.
I really need to get this report out of the way. I keep putting it off, it was quite dispiriting to be told it was too technical for managers to read. I may just draw cocks all over it. I find that by putting it off my interweb usage is increasing exponentially. There’s piss all to read on the web anyway, I just end up wasting time on sites that have no interest to me whatsoever.
……
Blog part 1 was quite sunny. Hazy yet the clouds were generally white.
I just got back from town where all did not go to plan. I managed to get the easyworld cd I was after, and also picked up most of the stuff Marie and Chris wanted as well. My car didn’t fare so well. It turns out that although There There was causing slight vibrations this morning, the majority of the humming noise was due to my fan being on full pelt. I didn’t notice anything then, yet on the way into town I noticed my temperature warning light was on. Oil and water temperatures were sky-high. I managed to hobble it home and swap my car for Marie’s chuggabus. It’s booked in for tomorrow morning, I hope it’s a hose and not the radiator or the head-fucking-gasket.
Jesus, this easyworld cd is mellow. He must have broken up with someone, he seems miserable.
Anyway, there are only two things I hate in this world, inanimate objects and people. Everything else is great….except crocodiles and scorpions.
No, I hate it when inanimate objects let me down. I feel wronged, and stand there threatening the object with total violence. ‘Don’t you fucking dare piss me off washing machine or I’ll kick your fucking door in!’ You know, that sort of thing. Hee hee, a couple of months back the living room door handle dared to snag itself in my top after I’d had a harrowing car journey home from work. Before I could stop myself, I’d booted the door off its hinges with one kick. I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve, it’s never going to work. Still, that doesn’t stop me booting a washing machine soon to be returned to the shop. It’s my colouring, it must be. Must be some reason why I can go from placid to total anger to thoughts of crying, in less than twenty seconds.
When my car played up today I couldn’t bring myself to scream at it. It has been a good car up till now. Instead I wandered around town seething, feeling my chest tighten and blood pressure increase tenfold. Go to Ladbrokes and put an ‘ayrton’ on me to have a stroke or heart attack by the time I’m 35.
As people cut in my way or showed the piss-poor manners that pass in society nowadays, I started to casually fantasise about righteous violence.
Hee hee, I’m so wrong in the head.
As my joy has returned after illness, I feel the anger/worry/misanthropy return as well. I think it returns quicker as well, I’m still only at about 60% joy, yet anger is back up to 90%.
I’LL BE FINE THOUGH. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. WHEE HEE HEE!

I’ve been ill. Not even “ooh I have a cold, may stay off work today” ill either. Proper ill, like when you were a child.
Well the weekend after the last entry was quite fun.
Lost In Translation was lovely, slow moving, gentle and looked superb. I agree with Liam after we saw it, I’d leave Giovanni Ribisi for Bill Murray. Who wouldn’t?
After the film we got drunk and talked shit whilst staring at MTV2. I love getting drunk and talking shit. One of my favouritest things. It was a late night though – Liam could be found at 7am using my computer to play on nexus and prestone.
On Saturday evening we went to my friend Deans wifes 30th birthday. Does that make sense? Anyway after failing to find Marie’s car keys, I ended up driving to the little village near Burnley where the party was taking place. It meant I couldn’t drink but I didn’t mind as I started to ache and feel really tired. This I attributed to lying on the sofa till nearly 5am talking the aforementioned “shit”. When I didn’t feel any better on Sunday –even after eating Liam’s discos- I thought I was coming down with a cold.
I thought this on Monday and Tuesday as well – I was running a bit of a temperature but it was probably yet another fucking cold or maybe flu at the very worst.
We went to see The Superkings play in Manchester on Tuesday night. It was really good, I’d not seen Dave’s band before and I really enjoyed it. I’d have enjoyed it even more if I didn’t feel so fucking awful. Anyway Dave gave us a mention before the last song which was really nice and we both appreciated it.
I woke up on Wednesday feeling like shit and deteriorated from there. I was running a mental temperature, just wearing a T-shirt would cause me to sweat uncontrollably. I had a permanent headache and felt like my legs had been severely twatted with a baseball bat.
A trip to the doctors on Thursday didn’t show anything up. They noted I was even pastier than usual and sweat was pouring from my back and head but bar that I looked okay. They tried to take blood out of my arm but the veins had pissed off somewhere and after about three attempts to try and get blood from my arm, I went white and started to slide off the chair. So they abandoned that.
Then that night after a sweat-reducing shower I found the cause of the problem. Under my left ear my glands had swollen to the size of several golf balls.
So I went back to the doctor again where they diagnosed me with ‘parotitis’ – probably due to a bacterial infection. Due to the severity of it, I was given industrial-strength antibiotics. Well even though I felt awful, it now felt we were heading in the right direction. I hoped this would clear this up, allow me to retain more body water so my piss was less “black” and maybe become interested in stuff again. Since the Tuesday I’d started to become disinterested in everything, TV, films and music did nothing for me. I didn’t feel hungry or thirsty, I just sat there staring into space. Which was quite frankly rubbish.
Oh, then it got worse. The antibiotics meant I started to feel very very sick. I was sick on Friday and then for the rest of the weekend, I felt even worse than I had before. I had nothing to eat, the thought of drinking water actually revolted me and I just lay moping on the sofa or in bed. And being sick of course.
I went back to the doctors on Monday and stopped being sick long enough to explain the situation. He swapped my antibiotics and gave me something to calm my stomach down. Well, Monday and Tuesday go down amongst the worst days of my life. On Tuesday afternoon I sat from about 1pm till 4pm being sick. Constantly with no break in between. This probably wouldn’t have been as awful if there was anything in my stomach but there was nothing at all. After about two hours of retching, foul-tasting globules of bile started to appear and I became a bit light-headed. I think my body decided to release its reserve of endorphins then as I started to space out a bit.
Marie came home from work to find me uncommunicative and probably dribbling. I can’t really remember, my brain had shut up shop for the day. She phoned the doctor who told me to stop taking the antibiotics – I already sort of had done that as anything that went in my mouth re-appeared less than a minute later. He also prescribed me some pills to stop the vomiting.
These were mental things, the same pills they give to kids undergoing cancer treatment to combat the side effects of chemotherapy. Poor little sods.
Stopping the antibiotics seemed to stop the puking, I felt 4% better on Wednesday and 18% better on Thursday. I went back to the doctors where he noticed –as I had- that the lump had gone down a lot. He told me to take things easy as the bastard may recur – if it does I’ll kill us all.
I felt better over this weekend and even ventured into town.
Now, the doctor didn’t really want to commit to it but he seemed to back up my hunch that the infection may have arisen from my trip to the dentist I mentioned in my last blog, either due to infected equipment or the trauma of such a bad job. Whether it is or not –it fucking is their fault you know- I’m sending a complaint letter about the way I was treated, both to the dentist and to the dental association. I’ll keep it professional, stern yet keeping just to the facts, even though I want to fill it with swear words and the horrendous retribution I’d like to visit upon the dentist in question. Bitch!
So we’ll see what happens there.
Anyway it was fucking horrible, only bearable because of the way Marie looked after me. She didn’t moan even though I was a horrible burden and incapacitated for over a week. I know I was a worry and a pain in the arse but she got me through it and I’ll be eternally grateful.
A big-up to the doctors as well, who spent time trying to find out what was wrong with me and seemed to genuinely care about my well-being. So fucking different from my previous doctor.
I also got a lovely card off my friends, I’ll see them this weekend and it’ll be ace because I’m so in the mood now for getting really pissed and talking that much-loved shit again. Hee, I knew I was getting better when I listened to Soldier Girl on Friday and felt the joy return to my heart again. It gave my joy back!
Sadly I missed seeing The White Stripes last week in Blackpool. I was really looking forward to it, they are fantastic live and I so wanted to see them again. We gave away our tickets to Liam and Dave, it was good to give the tickets to good friends and not see them go to waste. They brought me a T-shirt back which was really cool. I did feel awful about Marie missing out though – so not fair on her. She missed a great concert to look after a sweaty, pasty man who’d lost about a stone in weight over a week.
It’s Marie’s birthday this weekend, we’re going away for a few days to the lakes next week but this weekend we’re having a cocktail party. Hee hee, my crystal ball predicts I’ll drink half the booze myself and then be found wandering the streets with the 28 Days Later soundtrack playing inside my head. It should be cool though, I have a casino. Casino!
Marie shouldn’t worry about being 28, she still looks about 21. Anyway I’ll be 30 in about 8 months so what’s she worrying about. I’m gonna make my thirtieth one to remember. There will be food, booze, fighting and anything else which will make me smile.
I managed to see Big Fish on Sunday night, I thought it was really lovely. I wasn’t that bothered about seeing it but I’m glad I did as it was sweet and entertaining.
Guitar lesson tonight. Missed last weeks obviously, so we’re already behind. I probably missed the lesson where we were taught “windmilling” and feedback as well. Bah!
Bah bah!
God, I so want some sweet booze.