A Business Idea

Hotels often have a selection of films that you can watch for an extortionate fee in your hotel room. And, yeah, they cater for the adult market. They know that a big market for a faceless Trusthouse SleepyTravelInnLodge is the travelling businessman, and that as they usually travel alone that they might be spending the evening on their own, sat in their hotel room craving human company.
So, what better way for the businessman missing his wife and kids to spend the evening than splattering his belly with salty consommé whilst watching Real Wife Sluts IV. But he’ll be frustrated you see as laws in this country mean that he’ll get to see the contorted faces of those involved, but will witness no actual penetration. He’s used his AMEX company card to pay for something as arousing as a late-night C5 drama.
But I think we’re stuck with retarded pornography laws for a while, as society somehow thinks it is wrong for adults to witness sex performed by AIDS riddled drug addicts. So, I’ve found a hole in the market. Why not provide films for a businessman which will appeal to his desires in life and enable him to stave off his loneliness for a while. These films won’t be pornographic, but will directly appeal to our clientele.
Can you imagine how excited a businessman forced to travel to Dundee for a sales conference is going to get when he sees a video entitled “Your Boss Calls You Into His Office And Says Your Work Has Been Excellent” or “Your New Secretary Says She Likes Older Men”.
So, I’ve come up with some opening titles in the range that will titillate and arouse any businessmen found lonely in a Travelodge at night.

- “Is Margaret From Accounts Wearing Stockings?”
- “Man, That’s An Excellent Spreadsheet!”
- “Yes, That Twat From Personnel Has A Tumour”
- “Playing Golf With Middle-Management”
- “Making the Boss Laugh Heartily At The Christmas Meal”

I’m realising that this crazy 21st century has lady businessmen, so I’m trying to think of something that can appeal to them as they’re sat in a hotel room away from their emasculated husband. Right, how about these…

- “Ooh Someone Has Brought Chocolates In”
- “Margaret From Accounts Is Getting Fat”
- “I Can Have Kids Later On In Life And Still Have A Successful Career”

I’m sure we can knock these films out on the cheap. We don’t have to stop here as well, other people use these places. I’m thinking about wedding guests, people cheating on their partners, and men on the run because they “accidentally” killed an old lady.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Tuesday night’s Life On Mars was fantastic. I had no idea how it would end, even though I’d trawled forums looking for little hints. I was glad I didn’t find anything as however much I hate waiting for things, sometimes a surprise is nice.
Especially when it is a slightly ambiguous surprise.
The forums I read (stop judging me) were full of theories at the end of it, but virtually all were some way off the mark if you read the interview in the Manchester Evening Post today with the writer/creator. I’d put a link to it but I think the chances of anyone reading this AND being interested in what I’m scribbling about are fairly low.
What the series boiled down to essentially is that a jaded cop from 2006 was involved in an accident and slipped into a coma where he invented a world set in 1973. He stayed there due to an undiscovered tumour in his brain, and only when it was partly removed did he wake up back in 2006. Everything he thought he’d done in 1973, and everyone he met WAS a figment of his imagination.
But he preferred the life in his dreams. It was where he felt most alive.
So – and this is the brave and astonishing thing for a BBC1 drama – the hero killed himself. And for the time it took him to die he was transported back to 1973, were he saved the day, got the girl etc… If this fantasy ended when he died depends on whether you think this is his afterlife, or if in 10 minutes of real-time you can have a lifetime of your dreams. And being sickeningly sentimental and romantic I’d like to believe that he did. I’m soft like that.
Plus I think it leaves the option open to maybe make a film of it, if the writers can tempt John Simm (one of the best actors we have in this country) back to the role. Nobody has quite ruled it out anyway.
So, it was sad that he died, yet also life-affirming in that he chose a “life” that was what he wanted. Heh, I’d have probably made the same choice for Liz White.

Life On Mars

Life On Mars just made me cry

The Worst Game I Ever Bought

The worst computer game I ever bought was ‘House Decorator 2000’. It is so rubbish that it isn’t even played on a computer, it’s played in a house. And it costs a lot more than your standard computer game.
I played a new level of the game today called ‘Kitchen Floor’. Do you remember those games were you had to push blocks onto targets, but had to ensure that you didn’t get the blocks trapped in a corner, or that they blocked other, er, blocks. Well, it’s like that, I’m trying to put some flooring down but have to manoeuvre the fridge, freezer and washing machine so I can get the space to do it.
I’ve given up anyway, the floor is half done and the freezer and washing machine are stuck in the middle of the kitchen. The fridge isn’t even in the room, its chilling booze in the living room. I demand a treat!
And some curry. Mmm, curry.
It’s a long old Easter, starting on Furzdee with a trip up Scafell Pike (the highest mountain in England) and then with an unwelcome detour up the second highest mountain. And then a third. I think Chris was taking the piss, it was an 11 mile walk with about 400ft of ascent, and about the same amount of horrendous descent. My feet are ripped to bits.
Easter will continue into tomorrow with more decorating. I need to get the kitchen finished so I can do the two remaining tasks (main bedroom and hallway) to complete this fucking decorating game.
Shit, I bought the gardening add-on though. God, I’m never going to finish it.